Networking Article from Networking Today Canada, Nat'l
Recent Articles from Cities Across Canada
The Four Sins of Bad Listeners
Hearing without listening happens all the time in business relationships. At some point, we’re all guilty of it. Maybe we’re preoccupied with another matter and don’t really pay attention to what Jack is saying. At times, we become so excited about what we have to say that our excitement “drowns out” Jill. There are instances when we’re anxious because we don’t feel prepared and so we fake listening, trying to convince a boss or customer that we were paying attention.
Just because it happens, however, doesn’t mean you have to make it a habit. Be vigilant for poor listening. That means questioning yourself regularly about whether you’re paying attention with your whole being. Most of us listen at about 25% capacity, even when we’re managing up. You would think that we would be all ears when our boss is telling us something, but that often isn’t the case. We know we can get by if we listen with one part of our mind while the other parts are thinking about whether a deadline can be met, if an email response arrived yet and what we might have for dinner.
To help you monitor your listening, keep these following four sins in mind:
1. Interrupting.
“I really am not interested in paying attention to what you have to say, which is why I’m not allowing you to finish your sentence and telling you what I think instead—obviously what I have to say is more important than what you’re saying.”
I know. You don’t mean to communicate this idea to a client or supervisor when you interrupt. Nonetheless, that’s the message you’re sending. The problem is that we think we have good reasons to interrupt. Think back to a recent instance when you interrupted someone at work. Did you do so because:
- The other person said something that energized you and you just couldn’t wait to contribute your idea?
- You disagreed with the other person and were so angry or disturbed by his position that you felt compelled to state your own?
- You felt the other person was being long-winded and you were too impatient to allow her to finish?
None of these are good reasons to interrupt. Whatever you gain by getting your two cents in prematurely, you lose from a relationship perspective. You may be making the greatest point in the world, but the odds are your relationship partner resents your interruption even if he appreciates your idea.
2. Finishing the other person’s sentences.
This may seem like harmless enough behavior, but it conveys another message that hurts relationships: “I know how to complete your thoughts better than you do.” I’m sure that most of you who commit this sin do so with good intent. You think you’re showing your boss that you’re on the same wavelength, that you think alike. Or you’re demonstrating to a client that you not only meet his needs but anticipate them.
Even if you’re anticipating correctly what another person has to say, they probably won’t like it. In fact, finishing a sentence is even worse than interrupting. It’s one thing to stop someone from speaking. It’s something else to speak for him.
Think about your tendencies to jump in and complete people’s sentences. Next time you do it, watch the other person carefully. They may not say anything, but see if their eyes or body language reveal their true feelings. Do you see a slight grimace? Does the person’s eyes narrow or glare? Once you witness a negative reaction, you’re less likely to make the same mistake.
3. Lying or faking it when you haven’t been paying attention.
For whatever reason, you’re distracted. Your attention wanders and you miss everything someone is telling you. Rather than admit you didn’t get everything, you attempt to fake it. You nod your head. When the other person asks if you agree with him, you say yes. You remember one thing your relationship partner said and focus on that issue to demonstrate you were paying attention.
You may think you got away with it, but you’re probably wrong. Other people simply don’t like confronting you when you’re not listening. They may not call you on it, but they know your mind was somewhere else. When you’re really listening, people know it. You’ve probably experienced the reverse situation yourself. You were talking to a business colleague or a friend and you could “feel” he wasn’t fully engaged. He may have been nodding and looking right at you, but you could sense he was distracted.
Remind yourself that other people can sense if you’re not listening, so don’t fake it. Force yourself to be honest and admit you didn’t catch everything that was said. Request that he repeat it. Ask for clarification or elaboration. In this way, you’re being honest rather than deceitful—and deceit kills results-producing relationships fast.
4. Rehearse your agenda while the other person is talking.
Doesn’t everyone do this, especially when managing up? Isn’t it natural to think about how you’re going to phrase you request for a raise or a transfer to a new as the other person is talking?
Ideally, you’ll do your “rehearsing” before you meet with someone. Of course, you have to think about what you’re going to say in response to what your relationship partner is telling you. The problem is when you concentrate on what you’re going to request or propose to the point that you’re disconnected from the conversation.
The best way to avoid this disconnection is by rehearsing prior to the performance. Know what you’re going to say before you meet. In this way, you’ll free yourself from having to figure out what you’re going to say on the fly. The easier you make it to concentrate on the other person, the more likely you’ll be perceived as a good listener. ________________________________________
Joe Takash is the author of the newly released Results Through Relationships: Building Trust, Performance and Profit Through People, as well as a sought-after media resource and keynote speaker. As the founder of performance management firm Victory Consulting, Joe has worked with clients like American Express, Prudential, Century 21 and General Motors. Takash has also been featured in Investors Business Daily, Entrepreneur, Selling Power, Crain's New York The Chicago Tribune, Career Builder, Businessweek.com and MSNBC.com.
Results Through Relationships can be purchased at www.amazon.com, www.barnesandnoble.com and ordered through any major bookseller.
Search Articles
More Articles
Networking…The Best Marketing Weapon in Tough Economic Times! Part Two - Making Your Networking Work
How to Get Started in Mentoring - Follow these tips to establish a successful mentoring relationship
